Musings of a Prodigal Son - My Story Continued

When I left the church, I resigned without employment at the time. I remember being so “burned out” that it was such a relief to be out from under the pressure of ministry. It didn’t occur to me that it might be difficult finding employment after I resigned. I had a Master’s Degree in Psychology/Counseling and I began applying at all the local mental health agencies. I had been in the ministry for almost a decade at that point so all of my counseling experience was as a pastor. This would be invaluable later. I remember going to a local mental health system and dropping off my resume at the front office with the secretary. This was approximately one week after resigning from the church. The next day I received a call from the director of one of the outpatient programs there. God is so good. Even when we are down, he still provides for us. Here I was about to spiral down a rabbit hole moving away from God and He was already planning a training program to equipment me for future service to Him. I remember that the director of the outpatient program, who later became a good friend, called me on the phone and asked me to come in for an interview. She told me years later that she still does not know how my resume got on her desk but she stated that there is was. She stated that she looked at it and said, “I’m going to hire this guy.” (she had never seen me, didn’t know anything about me, but from hind sight, I know this was God). She stated that she did second guess herself when she called me and I used a “double-negative” on the phone prior to the interview. I’ve used quite a few of those in my life.  The interview was set that week and I was hired to be an outpatient substance abuse counselor. I worked during the day but came in later twice per week and worked the evenings on those days in order to lead groups at night for participants that worked during the day. It was a huge learning experience for me. You see, often times when someone is a pastor, they often see people “on their best behavior.” This experience let me see people often at their worst. I worked there approximately 6 months and when the Director transferred to the inpatient facility that was also in the system, she asked me to come there and be an inpatient counselor at that facility. I stayed there for several years. I really enjoyed that work experience. I have often said I probably had more fun there than at any place I have ever worked. We worked hard providing group counseling and individual counseling for 8 hours per day and sometimes more as needs arose but we all had a good work chemistry. We were all very different in our approaches and experiences. I learned much from all of the people I worked with there. In fact some of them may be reading this blog now because we stayed in touch and many of us became friends. I also met many good people who were in bondage to alcohol and/or other drugs. I saw many success stories and many disappointments. It is amazing to me how God can be teaching us on the one hand while we are going in a different direction than he often intends for us. You will notice that I have said that God was working in my experiences to teach me things that would help me to help others in the future. However, my home life was continuing to disintegrate. My wife and I were continuing to be more distant from each other, much of which was my fault at this point because I was no longer trying to be close to her. I had completely disconnected emotionally at this point. I do want to say here, and I know many of you know the two of us, that she is truly a good person. Again, many of the things that pulled us apart were not of her own making, they were the result of my decisions. I began to spend less and less time with her even when I was home in the evenings. She was downstairs most of the time and I was upstairs in the “study.” She would ask me to come down and spend time with her but I was always “busy” with something. Let me stress this to any Pastors/Christian workers that may be reading this: the relationship with me and my wife ended WHILE I WAS A PASTOR. We were still “married” but emotional, physical, and spiritual distance happened during my time as a pastor. As mentioned in an earlier section, that is where I erred. I listened less and less to my wife, not taking into consideration her feelings, and did not make decisions on what was best for our family (myself, my wife, and my daughter). Here are some common mistakes that many Pastors make: When problems begin to develop between a pastor and his wife, Godly counsel should be sought quickly and if a hiatus from the ministry is warranted, it is ok to take a step back and work together and pray until a common shared vision begins to emerge. Often times, Pastors are not willing to do this. They “press on” in what they have convinced themselves is the will of God oblivious to the fact that their family is falling apart around them. Often times, the Church does not see the disintegration of a pastor’s family due to the “work of the ministry.” This is a mistake I made. I chose not to notice that our family was falling apart. When I began to admit to myself that we were in trouble as a couple, I feared that our marriage would end and so would MY ministry. Notice that I said MY and not OUR. That is often the case when the marriage of a pastor is in real trouble. Protecting MY ministry becomes more important than protecting MY family. Please hear me Pastors and Christian Workers!!!! After our relationship with God, He intends OUR family to be OUR priority and then OUR ministry to follow out of that. If the “OUR” is missing from any of these things it will not work!!!!!!! I remember distinctly that any time my wife truly tried to talk with me about any concerns she had, if I disagreed, I would say, “I am doing it this way because it is God’s Will.” I never will forget her reply in anger one day, “How am I supposed to compete with God!!!!!!” (from hind sight, it was not “God’s Will” but me using God to justify my viewpoint). Keep in mind that the things I was doing were often very good things but they were not the BEST things. Allow me to admonish for a moment: Make your family your priority. Out of your family the Will of God will flow!!!!!!