People may wonder why I am writing regularly about my life
and “putting my stuff out there.” I have prayed about this for some time and I
still believe that listening (or reading) as someone else talks/writes about
their mistakes and the pain it has caused them and others, can help others
avoid those mistakes and their consequences. This is why I continue to write.
As I write, other issues come to mind.
Please bear with me as I “chase a few rabbits” as my story unfolds.
This
weekend, my wife and I traveled to Miami to visit three of our children and one
of our grandchildren. At this point, it is necessary for me to convey that my
ex-wife and I have joint custody of my youngest daughter, age 11. She is a very
special girl. Since I moved to Orlando in February of this year, I have my daughter
with me in Orlando on all school holidays and during the summer break. She
remains in Miami for the school year with her mom and I visit her periodically
between school holidays (such as this weekend). For those of you that have
experienced divorce, you know that no matter how you arrange your children’s
schedule and living arrangements, it is never ideal for them. This reinforces
the biblical concept of marriage being a lifetime commitment with children
having ready access to both parents. Unfortunately, due to choices beyond their
(the children’s) control, this is often not the case. The children are often
the one’s who truly suffer when there is a divorce or separation of parents,
regardless of the reasons. Although both parties in a relationship make
mistakes and marriages end for different reasons, the children often bear the
burden of the consequences of their parents choices. Often, we as parents, go
on with our lives but the children are left to “make do” with the aftermath of
our choices. Nothing replaces an intact and united family where the mother and
father of a child are both committed to the will of God and going in the same
direction to “tackle” life. This is another reason that God stresses the
importance of protecting the family unit and encourages families from his Word
to seek him first (as a family) so that both partners in a relationship are
moving the same direction and becoming less selfish. I am aware that there are
some children out there whose families remained “intact” but there was no unity
in their family and they also suffered. There is usually no merit in “staying
together for the children” although in some cases this works out for the best.
Don’t forget that just remaining “legally” married is not God’s intent for
marriage. That intent is to be ONE spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically
(sex). Each of these is of no less importance than the other. There are many
couples who are “legally” married but are not married in the sense of what God
indicates is a marriage. More on this in a later discussion. Divorce
creates a whole myriad of problems. I don’t think it is necessary to talk about
the Biblical teachings on divorce here. Many of you who are reading this have
heard countless sermons and probably read countless other materials about the Biblical
grounds for divorce. Many of you that take a strong literal view of the major passages
of scripture that deal with divorce may also believe that many people should
stay in abusive relationships so that their spouse may be “won” by their Godly
conduct. I am not one who takes that view although I do not think that divorce
in any circumstance, whether Biblical or not is a good thing. At its core, it
is an “allowance” that it made by God for untenable circumstances. However,
anytime God tells us that something is not good or “allowed due to the hardness
of our hearts”, there is a reason it is not good. I have learned in my life
that sin is not an arbitrary list of “don’t dos” that God uses to test us but
rather a list of things that if committed or omitted can cause far reaching
consequences that cause hurt and pain not only in our own lives, but in the
lives of many innocents. Because of His great love for each of us, these things
ultimately hurt God deeply. Divorce is one of those things.
You might ask, “Why does a person who has been married three
times feel the need to write about divorce?” The answer to this question is quite simple. I
have seen first-hand the pain I have helped create in my own children’s lives
due to poor choices I have made. Whether the poor choice was the getting into a
relationship in the beginning or a choice made to get out of a relationship that
had merit and could have been healed, the consequences on the innocents (the
children) are often the same. The
children are the ones who suffer. Even if both divorced parents are attempting
to do things that minimize the impact of the divorce on the children, the
suffering of the child is inevitable. There is always a time when they are
going to be without one or the other of their parents. They are often put in
the middle of any disagreements that result between the divorced parents. They
are often made to feel guilty for showing too much affection for one or the
other of their parents. They are often afraid to express how they really feel
for fear that they will “hurt” one or the other of their parents. This often
results in the children of divorced families thinking that the needs of others
are more important than their own needs. Their parent’s needs are often placed
above their own. I do want to stress that it is often a blessing when good
people enter the lives of the divorced parents as new partners and they are
good to the children. This does make things easier than they might have been
for the child/children. Often, however, one or other of the parents get
involved or remarried to someone who brings with them their own sets of
problems that often compound the anxiety of the children. Often these new
spouses/partners are less than caring of the children or have children of their
own. A personal note here, I am thankful
that this was not the case with my youngest daughter and my oldest daughter.
The new partners of their mothers have been good to my girls and I really feel
that they love and care about them. As I was leaving Miami yesterday, I was
reminded of how sad I was that I was leaving my little girl. I can often see
the unexpressed pain on her face. She does not talk much about it even when
prompted due to the fact that talking doesn’t “change how it is.” Once some
life choices have been put in motion, they carry with them the inevitable
consequences. I venture to say that many of you reading this have either felt
the pain of someone else’s choices or your own as you long for the pain to go
away from the eyes of those you love. It is a sobering thought that God has
given us the dignity of being able to make choices that have far reaching and
even eternal consequences. This should make us walk “circumspectly” (looking
around) as the Bible says for the days are evil. This in no way diminishes the
joy I feel now that God has blessed me with my praying wife. I love her deeply.
She is God’s Grace Gift to me regardless of my past choices. She is a part of
the “devil returning to me sevenfold what he has taken away (and in many cases
I have given him).” However, there is
still the matter of the pain I see in my daughter’s eyes. Each time I see it,
God allows me to have the realization that had I been obedient to Him, that
pain would not exist. May God heal the pain that has resulted from our
disobedience to Him.
“Father, please heal the pain that those who are innocent
feel due to our disobedience to You.”
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