Burnout. I don't know exactly when it happened. I just know that it happened. Time was spent preparing to minister to God's people at the small town church: visiting those who were sick, planning for the future of the church's ministries, continuing my education, attending various church functions, and giving what little time that was left to my small family. Along the way, deep bonds were formed with various people within the church. Friendships deepened. I learned much about people during this time. All of us have strengths and weaknesses. The bottom line is that people are all different but many of basic needs are always the same: acceptance, a sense of purpose, security, love, affection. I know that I titled this section "Burnout" but I don't want to be misunderstood. This time in my life as a young pastor was one of the greatest times of my life. I truly laughed, cried, and experienced more emotions than I have at any other time. I considered it a great honor and privilege to have known many of these people. I met some of the most Godly and humble people during this time, true servants of God. People who had done enough living to know what is important and what is passing.I have often stated that it is a tragedy that we can't live life in reverse. I'm sure those closest to these people knew their frailties and many of the mistake that they made along the way but I was fortunate enough to look at a more "finished" product. Looking back at many of these people, I am aware that they knew something that many of the rest of us have yet to learn. It really is a simple truth that can stare us right in the face without realizing it. That truth is this: God has a purpose for our lives, we should plug into it as quickly as possible, and let the chips fall where they may. I know, you're probably thinking, "I already know that." I thought I did to. When I look back though at these people that I'll call true saints, they LIVED like this was the truth. They didn't go to church (although most attended), they were the church. They saw themselves as simple servants who plugged into God's purpose for them as best they could, plowed on until they knew differently without fretting, and when it came time for them to "go home", they simply crossed over. None of the fretfulness and hoopla that most of us struggle with on a daily basis. Often they were not the "flashy" ones that many of us have early aspirations of being. A thought here: Isn't it ironic that it is often after we had made mistakes as parents and our children are grown that we have discovered many things that would have made us better parents. Walking with God is the same way. When mistakes, failures, and frailties have taught us more of the important things, it is often time to make our exit. I alluded earlier to the fact that sometimes God doesn't make sense. This is one of those things that often eludes reason. Remember the scripture says to learn from the older and wiser. A note here however: Age does not always make one wiser. I have met people who just seem to get more stubborn, distant, and bitter as life goes on. By the time they make their exit, no one can stand to even be in their presence. I hope I am not one of them. It is also important to note that not all of these people where aged. Some were young, some were middle aged, and many were old.
It is important for me to note that I went to Bible College and obtained a degree in "Theology." At it's basic form Theology is the study of God. As many of you already know, God is such a broad subject. It is somewhat humorous to me that when someone studies along these lines and obtains a Master's Degree, it is often called a "Masters of Divinity" (M Div). The reason this is humorous to me is that I do not believe it is possible to become a "Master of Theology" or to put it another way "A Master of the Study of God". No one ever becomes an expert on God. It is impossible. He even tells us, "His Ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts." In fact, I will even venture to say that the more one truly knows God, the less he/she knows about Him. He tells us that we are made in His image but that doesn't even come close to the various dimensions of his nature. The reason that I stress this point is because we are constantly trying to understand the events that occur within and around us by trying to understand them within the contexts of our "rational" minds. As far as I've been able to ascertain, God never tells us that he'll help us understand. Rather he tells us that he will guide us into His will regardless of whether it makes sense or not. Our part is to TRUST. Hence the hard part. I have lived much of my life struggling with that simple concept. It is easy to say I TRUST when things are going good. However, when things are going "bad" and don't make sense to me, that's where I have this problem with TRUST. A note here: The Bible says, Abraham believed (trusted) God and it was credited to him as righteousness." What is this relationship between righteousness (right standing with God) and trusting? Trust is being able to walk in the fiery furnace, into a den of lions, laying your only son on an alter intending to sacrifice him, being a kid in front of a well trained giant who intends to kill you armed only with a slingshot. That's Trust. There is an old song that is often sung in various churches called "Standing on the Promises." The authors of that hymn probably realized much of what I have written about today. It would probably benefit all of us to do a Bible Study on the Promises God made to us. I mentioned all of the above to segue into my discussion of burnout.
Some events in our lives are so pivotal that we measure all other events as "before" that event or "after" that event. Oftentimes, life is marked with several of those pivotal events. My life was marked by several such events. Approximately 6 years into my time as pastor of the church, I encountered one such event. It came at such a time that it caused me great distress and forced me to reexamine what I THOUGHT I believed and what I truly believed (TRUSTED). (more to come)
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
The Prodigal Son - Part 2 - The Pastorate (continued)
My time as a young pastor was marked by many “Highs” and
many “Lows”. I truly witnessed God change the lives of people. I witnessed
people at their best and also at their worst. I remember as a young boy,
looking at Pastors and Christian Leaders and thinking that they somehow must
have a clear vision about what is coming next and an all encompassing view of
God and what He is doing in this world. That it was just a matter of following
that well designed and well illuminated plan that would result in success in
the ministry. What I found was that you are a man or woman, with no additional “oomphhhhh”,
standing at the front of a large group of people while facing a hazy desert
littered with sand storms, seemingly no water, and enemy invaders buried in the
most unlikely places. I tried often to
have a “quiet” time with God. Nothing seemed to work. I tried early in the
morning in my office at church alone but oftentimes found myself falling asleep
and feeling guilty about it. I tried in the evening but that didn’t work either.
I did find myself talking to God most of the time, however. Trying to find
something significant to say on Sunday Mornings before a group of men and women
became a huge chore. I watched exposition preachers preach through the Bible
thinking that is the best way and I tried it. It was not consistent and I didn’t
feel that the passages of scripture were being illuminated to me. I tried
preaching on topics but found they were topics of issues I had faced the
previous week that begged answers for me (although many of these things helped
others as well). All the while we had begun a building program prior to me
becoming pastor of the church. We had begun something called “Challenge to
Build”. As a disclaimer, let me say that I know that this has probably worked
for many churches in helping to provide money for building projects. However,
the more I prayed about it, the more it really seemed foreign to me to go into
people’s homes, putting them on the spot, and asking them to “pledge” a certain
amount toward the costs of building. This was after they were asked to pray, of
course. I just didn’t feel that this was the direction God would have us to
continue to go. So, my first major decision as pastor was to talk to the
deacons (a body of servants-all men [though my views on that were different
then and also now]) and we prayed about this program. Most of the men in this
group saw things as I did but some did not. We stopped this building “program”
and just asked the people who were attending church to give as God directed
them. This turned out to be a good thing because by 1999, the debt was paid off
for all the renovations. A note here for
small churches: often times small churches
ministries and expenses are financed by very few people. An example is a church
of 150 people will usually (this is my estimate and it may be inaccurate) have
90% of its ministries operated from the giving of less than 10% of its people.
Those 10% are usually the higher earners in the church and more often than not
come from the same few families. In some
churches, it is only one family and in others several families. The point I am
trying to make is that those few families often wield major influences over everything
that happens in the church. This often works well if these families and/or
individuals are faithful and seeking God. However, just like the rest of us, no
one does the right thing all the time and sometimes this can hinder what God
may want to do within a place. I can say, and I know that many will be reading
this, that the body of believers that God allowed me to pastor had
several families whose giving financed the majority of the ministries of the
church. These were families that I believe were seeking God and although they
disagreed among themselves at times, they loved each other (and me—thanks be to
God), and things often worked out as a result. This in part is why my time
there had such longevity. They were seeking God and as a result allowed me to
make my mistakes without crucifying me. I did, however, have friends who were not so
fortunate and their experience was much different as often happens when one
family or individual within the church wields too much control. It is important
to mention here that Satan is strategic and often attacks where can do the most
damage. If a pastor, family, and/or individual has much “say-so” power within a
local body, it stands to reason that Satan will attack that family and/or
individual to seek to influence them and get their focus anywhere but on what
God wants the focus to be on. When a person (or family) with great influence is
focused on other things besides God’s will, tremendous problems result and
often the church begins to go in decline. In my opinion this is the greatest
pitfall of the small local church. Larger churches, of which I have been apart,
often have some of the same issues but often Satan’s strategy of destroying
them is different (more about that later). Keep in mind, the influential
person in the church can also be the pastor….if the families wielding the most
power and influence trust him or her. Unfortunately, this became true of me as
time warranted greater trust in me as the pastor of our church. Here is the
problem. From hind sight, I will tell you that I was still seeking God and “straining”
to follow His will but I wanted more than I was able to handle and
wanted more than God’s people were ready for. An example:
David was only able to fight the giant Goliath because he had killed so
many smaller prey in the wilderness. Excuse my frankness but David did not exit
his mother’s womb and march immediately out in the desert to face the giant. He
was trained in the wilderness and God brought the Giant naturally to him when
it was time. Had he went out in the desert too soon it would have been him
lying dead and defeated on the ground, not the giant. Pain and fatigue can often make
us want what we are not ready to receive. It was at this point that I
began to “push” people instead of “leading” them. Love never pushes people in
directions they are not able to go. You love people into making changes. This
is another principle: Jesus loved people into the Kingdom of God. You might
say, “Rodney, I don’t buy that. Jesus confronted people about their sin.” I
would reply, “He always confronted in love….which is the only reason that some
of those hardened battle soldiers (roman centurion) heard him.” (more to come)
Monday, September 28, 2015
Musings of a Prodigal Son - Part 2 The Pastorate
If my memory is correct, the Church called me to be their Pastor in August 1991 . I wish I could say that the years to follow were marked only by God’s strength and not my own but they were not. I have often had a problem of trying to take responsibility for things that were not my responsibility and neglecting the things that were. My time in the Pastorate was no different. I can honestly say that I always had good motives and wanted the right things but from hind sight I often ministered from my own strength and not His (God’s). There was also a prime mission field at my home that I neglected to cultivate and minister to. In the words of Jim Baker in his book, I Was Wrong, “I got so busy trying to build a fellowship that I forgot to fellowship.” Many times, God blessed the church anyway. I can honestly say that I loved and continue to love deeply those people that God allowed me to serve. I often “strained at ministry”. I so wanted the power of God to come down and minister to the people. I really wanted good things for them and wanted them to “see Jesus.” But again, no matter what is going on, no matter how big or small a church is, there are some basic essentials that we never outgrow but rather should grow more into. It is really a basic practical law that God shows us again and again in his creation. That basic principle is this: Whoever we spend the most time with, we become closer to. Whatever we spend the most time doing, we get more adept at and learn more about. If we spend time with God, we learn more about and get closer to him. We also become more comfortable with his presence and recognize him in more places. An example: if a stranger stays in my home, I act differently than I do around my girls (daughters). My girls know me as the crazy guy who sings and dances crazy moves and laughs and cuts up. The stranger would not experience me that way because I would not be comfortable enough nor know them enough to be myself. If the stranger were a wise person and I spent enough time with them to know that, I would become comfortable learning from them as well. It is no different with God. I have often heard people talk about intimacy with God. Intimacy is being in such close proximity to someone both physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually that we become as comfortable with them as we are with ourselves. In fact, our identities begin to mingle until eventually the individual identities become indistinguishable. Hence couples that have been together many years in an intimate relationship can often finish each others sentences, know what the other is thinking, can often speak for one another. This is the type of relationship our Heavenly Father wants with each of his children. I truly wanted to know God more. I wanted the people I served to know Him more. The avenue for that would have been for me to know him more intimately so that when they saw and heard ME they were really seeing and hearing HIM.
I remember one of my professors in Bible College constantly stressing that our (those who were training to become Pastors) greatest mission field was in our home. He stated, “If your wife is not comfortable with you being a Pastor, get out of the Pastorate.” I remember thinking that if my wife was not comfortable being in the “ministry” then she is the one who needed to get right with God. From hind sight, I know what this professor was saying. He was saying that there must be unity in the home. The husband and wife (the one flesh) must share the same vision, be in accord with the living out of that vision, and that family unit must be the primary concern of any pastor. I have often heard Pastors say, “God first, family second, church third.” However, their ministries (including mine) was lived as “Church First, God Second, family third.” For many of you this may be a hard truth but it is a truth nonetheless.
Don’t get me wrong, my time as Pastor of Pleasant Hill Baptist Church was a good time in my life. I learned much but made many mistakes. I learned the truth about Christian Ministry. Often times, people look at Pastors and Christian workers as somehow getting an extra dose of Godly wisdom and insight. In reality, Pastors are just men and women just like the rest of us who have a purpose that may differ in kind but not differ in its human frailties. It has always comforted me that in the Bible, God seems to always show us great men and women at their best……and at their worst. In fact, some of the behaviors of the greatest men and women in God’s Word would result in them being “disqualified” for ministry in many churches and ministries today. An example: Abraham is considered the “Father of the Faithful”. The Bible says that Abraham believed God and it was counted unto his as righteousness. God Blessed Abraham and his seed. It is significant to me that on two different occasions (one after God made the promises to him to make his descendants as numerous as the stars in heaven) Abraham pretended that Sarah (his wife) was his sister and lied to Pharaoh of Egypt and another King (Abimelech) because he was afraid that they would kill him because Sarah was a beautiful woman and he thought that they would want her for a wife. As it turned out, they did want her as a wife and Abraham allowed it to happen. The Bible is also clear on the failings of many others: David, Peter, Paul, etc….A common theme seems to develop as the Bible progresses from beginning to end. That theme is this: “The heart (of man) is desperately wicked. Who can know it?” but…”For in the gospel (the gospel is that Jesus Christ died, rose again, and sits at the right hand of God to make intercession for us) the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”
Back to my story, I wish I could say that my little family (my young wife, my very young daughter) was my priority at that time in my life. I missed out on so many things during those years with my wife and daughter. My wife and I grew apart, in part I believe due to my haste in sweeping us into what I believed to be God’s will for my life and in part due to the fact that she was often secondary to everything that I considered God’s priority (the church, Bible College). I take full responsibility for these things. Men…a word for some who may be reading this….. I believe that God has never relented on the fact, which the Bible seems clear about, that we are to be the leaders in our homes. This does not mean that we are “the boss" but that we should take the leadership of our family seriously and protect it from anything that might break it down. This includes much prayer and “soul searching’ for the direction and timing of leading our families and making decisions about what we expose our families to. It means listening to our wives and children along the way and taking into consideration their feelings and thoughts on decisions that affect the family. The destruction of the family is often very subtle and happens gradually as husband and wife cease to really communicate and begin to exist together. Intimacy decreases, identities diverge, and eventually there are two distinct individuals who discover that they have very little in common. Resentments begin to build. Resentments are frozen, often unexpressed anger and frustration over feeling misunderstood or unheard. Remember, just because we are doing what the church considers to be “good things” doesn’t mean we are doing the best things. I know I was so busy trying to keep my pulse on the health of the church that my family was slowly dying as a unit. I wish I had heeded more the passage of scripture that says, “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for it.” But I did not. It is very true that strong families build strong churches. A note here: there are many families that stay together but are not strong families. There are some people who stay married over half a century who haven’t had true consistent intimacy for decades or even from the beginning. That is not what I am writing about here. I am writing about those families who foster the growth of the individual members of the family, allow honesty even at the expense of disappointment, and acceptance even in the midst of different viewpoints. A unit that allows a person to grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally knowing that this process is not always linear but is often replete with regression and failures. Relationships and marriages where the intimacy is so great that vast changes can take place over time but the unit remains intact not because everyone feels obligated to stay but make a choice to be there because there is no better place.
The beginning of the pastorate was a steep learning curve for me. The years leading up to my "surrender" into Christian Ministry were marked by turmoil and anxiety. I remember having anxiety attacks so severely the two years prior to entering the ministry that I could not attend many classes in college or even sit in a complete church service. I remember that my brother ran "the sound room" at Calvary Baptist Church in the late 1980s. I remember taking my wife and baby to church there and having to lie down in the sound room next to my brother because the anxiety was making me physically sick. I say all of that to let you know that when I began attending church with my friend in 1990, I was still fighting this anxiety. I continued to pray about it. When Pleasant Hill called me as Pastor in August of 1991, I remember that I perspired so badly due to anxiety that it warranted some adjustments. Some wonderful men in the church modified the air conditioning system by putting a vent directly over the pulpit so that the air could blow directly down on me. This was due to the fact that I was perspiring so much that sweat was literally "dripping off my nose." (no matter how many times I attempted to wipe it off my face).
I also remember feeling the tremendous burden as many of the people that I was growing to love so deeply where becoming ill and some were dying. For a young man in his early 20s, I learned quickly that death often comes unexpectedly. But even when it was expected, it always brought with it pain to those who were closely affected by it. I would often tarry with people until death did indeed come. I never liked the phrase, "God has a purpose for everything" or "his will is always best", especially when it was shared with someone who was dying or someone was about to lose someone close to them. That is usually what people, and sometimes pastors, say when they don't know what else to say. Sometimes its better just to shut up and love people. I began to see that God's will and plans are different than ours and he sees things a whole lot different than we do. As James Dobson, the great Focus on the Family Leader once said, "Sometimes God doesn't make sense." I agree with that statement wholeheartedly. There is never a good way to say good-bye to anyone. I've heard well meaning people say, "I'm glad it wasn't a slow death" or "I'm glad they were ill so that it gave you time to adjust to the fact that they were dying." No matter how old or young someone is, there is usually someone who is going to hurt tremendously by their death. As a Pastor, I felt a heavy burden to somehow help those people with their grief. The difficult and often unspoken difficulty that many pastors face is the fact that they do not understand many of the things that happen to those people they have been entrusted to pastor but sometimes feel obligated to act like they do. Honestly, it is sometimes hard to stand in front of many people and say that "God is Good" when you really don't "feel" like he is. You might know intellectually, emotionally, and even spiritually that he is good but those emotions of hurt and sadness can very quickly dampen your vision. This is where I sometimes feel there is an error in the way we conduct ourselves as Pastors and fellow Christians. A body of believers, all of which are struggling with one thing or another whether they realize it or not, should be able to be starkly honest about all their struggles with one another if what the Bible says is true. Bear with me a moment while I explain. The Bible makes a point of characterizing all of us as sinners (those who miss the mark or as we say in the country - "did wrong"). The Bible also says that Christ died for us. The Bible says that by believing on Him (Christ), we shall be saved (from what???? mainly separation from God in whatever form that takes both now and hereafter). The Bible also says that he makes intercession for us. Hence the verse, which I believe is a key to successful living, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgiveness us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9) Confess to who? Him? (he already knows). Rather to each other. We should be reminded each time we struggle and confess our struggles that Christ accepts and cleanses us. This should come from those around us. That way when I confess my struggle, the person is the back of the room where I am making my confession (who just happens to also be struggling with the same thing) has the freedom to expose it so that the healing balm of Christ's forgiveness can manifest itself through his body the church. My experience has been that we want everyone to know our successes, not our failures. I'm not writing about exposing yourself (confessing your sins) only to have everyone say that Christ will forgive you and being proud of themselves for helping you out. We tend to want to keep confession private. We're afraid if we expose it, it will not make us look good. What will look good to one who is struggling, however, is to know someone who exposed the same thing they are struggling with is able to receive prayer and healing from the body of Christ. Take a look at the Bible: Jesus exposed sin but did not shame the one who committed it. We're afraid to expose sin because we often equate the sinner and the sin as being one and the same. They are not. You make mistakes in Christ but you are not a mistake. Forgiveness says, I made a mistake and I am exposing it so that it haunts me no more." Shame says, I am a mistake and I must hide it so that no one really knows who I am. Shame makes you "heavy". Forgiveness makes you "light". (take my yoke upon you for my load is easy and my burden is light-Jesus.)
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Musings of a Prodigal Son
This is site is dedicated to the God of Grace who knows our weaknesses but loves us with unconditional love anyway.
I would like to say that those things I am about to write are indicative of a life lived in the will of God but they are not. However, I will be identifying many things that Pastors (and fellow believers) can do to have a successful ministry and life. My perspective does not come from doing everything right but from doing so many things wrong and hurting myself and others as a result. This is a pointed dialogue of one who did many things the wrong way but found a forgiving God who is rich enough in mercy to take those very things and use them for our good (Romans 8:28).
In the course of these things I will also stress with great appreciation that "Abraham believed God and it was counted unto him as righteousness." Underlying everything I share will be the boundless grace of God who again reminds me that my standing with Him has never been of my own doing but the doing of my Savior Jesus Christ. Thanks be to God for his "unspeakable gift!"
Musings of a Prodigal Son
Part 1
I remember as a very young adolescent feelings the stirrings of God to do something significant with my life. Didn't know what, just knew that there was a purpose and I needed to find it. As young adolescence turned into full-blown hormone induced adolescence, these stirrings took a back seat to other things such as listening to love songs, falling in love, out of love, in love again, and doing the things that make adolescence a time of adventure and of danger. Having experienced the grace of God to get through these times, in my early 20's those same "stirrings", which had never ceased to exist, came back to the forefront of my life as they would again and again. As myself and a friend who had similar stirrings began to spend time together, we began asking honestly what God might have planned for our lives. We didn't know what to do (we were not actively attending any church or meeting with any group of believers at the time), we just knew that our lives needed direction and that God could provide it. I remember the conversation in which we talked about not being satisfied with our lives and each stating that we needed to do something about it.....so we decided to begin meeting every other night to read the Bible and pray. This friend's father had purchased, years prior, an old country store located next to my friends house. For privacy, (we were not comfortable yet to include our young wives) we began meeting and praying in that old store. Praying was raw then. What I mean is, there was no form but just two seekers talking with God. We were awkward with each other at first but we soon became accustomed to meeting together and praying. Soon afterward, we both felt that God was encouraging us to go to the local church and begin attending there in addition to our private prayer and reading times. So on a nondescript Wednesday night, he and I walked into the prayer meeting of the local congregation. When we arrived, it became apparent that we were the only "young" men there. I did notice an excitement on the faces of several of the adults we knew there from our childhoods (we had both attended this church during our childhoods at various times). We just came as seekers wanting to here from God and be a part of his planned purpose in our lives. If you had asked us to articulate this at the time, we probably both would have been hard pressed to do that.
A little note here: Obedience is not something that we can "ease" into. We are either obedient or we are not. There have been times in my life (as well as the lives of many that I know) that I have looked for and hoped to find the will of God as if it is some green easter egg hidden in a thousand acre field of grass when in reality God made it plain if I had but listened. Revelation of His Will is an outgrowth of obedience to what he has already told me to do, often in his Word or through another who is seeking him (counsel of the Godly=counsel of those who continue to seek God). Hence the truth: "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all the things shall be added unto you." When I have been "stuck" at places in my life, as I look back I see that it was simply a matter of disobedience and unbelief on my part. It is often that I saw the next step, didn't like it for various reasons, and chose to keep asking. (I now believe that this is what the old Saints used to call "putting feet on our prayers." Following God's instructions is often "messy". Worthy of note also is that there are some people who seek to be "obedient" just to make a mess. The chaos around them makes them feel better about themselves. In the lives of anyone who lives this way, the issue is not disobedience but fear that the calmness and peace of God's Spirit will prompt self-reflection which will remind that person that they are undone. It is often a matter of not believing that His grace is sufficient to forgive (therefore a reluctance to really self-examine). At it's rawest form it is unbelief. For those who fear "disorder" (messiness), God prompts us to just focus on our own obedience to him. If that occurs, the gentleness of the Holy Spirit of God will apply the grace of God so that healing takes place in the Body of Christ.
Back to my story, looking back to that time in my life when my friend and I began to meet and pray, it was one of the greatest expressions of faith in God that I have ever experienced to date in my own life due to two things: 1)A Desire to Know God (Jesus) 2)A Commitment to Do the Simple Things He Asks--(they really are simple--often radically DIFFERENT than our rationally, scientific method dominated, politically correct world dictates as NORMAL but simple none-the-less. Revelation truly came out of that for both of us---the likes of which I have experienced very few times in my life since---not because it is not available but rather I got away from the two things mentioned above.
Very quickly, the stirrings again became a "calling." I have often thought of that word and heard it used loosely many times. An example comes to mind: I remember when I would sleep at night in a in the first house we lived in when we moved to Reeltown. Many of you there may remember it (I know some of my friends who spent the night over do). It was the house that my mom and dad first bought for us to move to Reeltown in 1970. I remember it had three of those propane gas heaters that you light with a match and turn the lever on the side. I remember because I used to get up in the morning before school, run to one of those heaters, hang my pants upside down and let the heat run up in the legs before I put them on. My body would be covered in goose bumps by the time they heated up enough to put on. Again, back to my story. As I lay asleep in that house, I remember my mom "calling" me in the morning to get up to get ready for school. As I was asleep, it would seem like a dream as I began to hear her voice. If I didn't respond, she got louder and louder to get my attention. I remember one instance where I tarried and she poured a glass of water on my head. The point is that the task at hand (going to school) was so important that "calling" me until I heard became of utmost importance. This is often true of God. Especially when we are listening, we can hear when he "calls". Many people have asked me if I have ever heard the audible voice of God. I don't believe that I have but I have heard him "call" many times. As we continued to meet together, worshiping with others (at church), we gradually brought our young wives with us (they had always seemed willing but were just waiting on us to take the initiative). As I had as a young adolescent, I sensed that God wanted me to prepare for ministry. I had a former pastor who attended Baptist Bible Institute in Graceville. Since his graduation, the college had become Florida Baptist Theological College and was located in Graceville Florida (just across the Alabama line into Florida – approximately 20 miles from Dothan, Alabama.) I searched for my former pastor, Bro. Lee Swett, by asking various church members and acquaintances where he might be. I did not know at that time but he had recently become the Pastor of Pleasant Hill Baptist Church in Slocomb, Alabama (approximately 10 miles west of Dothan, Alabama). I called and asked if he could meet with us and pray. He quickly agreed and he and Mrs. Swett met my friend and I at a Holiday Inn in Troy Alabama to eat breakfast. We talked and prayed. A little background here: Bro. Lee Swett was the Pastor of Reeltown Baptist Church when I made a profession of faith at age 12 years prior. At that time, I became very active in ministry and had spent time with our youth group speaking, singing (Lord help everyone who heard me singJ), and ministering to both adults and youth groups at several churches. I “surrendered” in the ministry at age 13 and Reeltown Baptist Church (now 1st Baptist Reeltown) prepared to license me into the ministry. That is when the hormones (mentioned above) came into play and I asked that they “wait” because I was “unsure.” The church waited, Bro. Lee Swett moved on to become a Pastor in another distant town, and I began the process of “getting away from the church” during my teenage years.
After we met with Pastor Swett (Bro. Lee) at that hotel, I began to pray diligently with my friend and also with the church as well as at home with my wife. I was feeling the strong “calling” to go and train to be a pastor. So, with good intentions, I told my wife that we were moving to Graceville Florida to attend Florida Baptist Theological College because God wanted us to go. From hind sight even though my motives were good and my heart was set on seeking God, I should have considered more how she felt about such a sudden move. We had both attended college part-time and she had a good job (although low pay) at a local bank. She had developed friendships there since our marriage and her subsequent employment in 1988 (the year was now 1990). So, on a moderate winter day (January 1, 1991), we moved our little family to Graceville Florida to begin Bible College. Emily, my oldest who was born in 1988, was barely 3 years old at the time. My wife planned to stay at home and care for Emily while I attended school. Bro. Lee Swett had been praying with his new church and they decided to hire me as their Youth Pastor and I began the first Sunday after we moved to Florida. Previously, I had also obtained a job while in high school through my aunt that paid minimum wage income for doing very little work per month so I continued doing this when I first moved to Florida and my brother provided “call” for me if anything happened and something needed to be done when I was not in Alabama (I came back to Reeltown a couple of days a month to do this job and returned back to Florida). This went on for a few months. Rapidly, I got close to the Youth of Pleasant Hill Church in Slocomb Alabama and was really enjoying my time there as Youth Pastor. Next came a difficult time in my life but especially in the lives of my Pastor and his family. Bro. Lee became ill and subsequently had surgery to remove his larynx. The Church, all those there including me and my little family, prayed diligently for his return to continue the good work begun there but it was not to be. Due to his lengthy recuperation time after his surgery and subsequent treatments, he retired to recupperate. When he resigned, it was a difficult time for me due to the fact that I really wanted to spend more time learning from him. After all, I was really a young follower of Christ who just wanted to be close to God and accountable to someone who was doing things the right way. I believe, and continue to believe, that he was a great man of God and I could have learned so much under him and his ministry but it was not to be. He moved several hours away. I had preached and ministered at the church during Bro. Lee’s illness and upon his retirement and with his consultation and recommendation, they called me to be their Pastor. This was in August 1991. What is significant about this is that it had only been approximately one year since my friend and I had begun praying together about God’s direction in our lives. I remember talking to Bro. Lee about how inadequate I felt to be the Pastor of that church so quickly. This was the week prior to the church voting on whether to call me as their Pastor. I remember he asked me, “Do you think you are ready.” I replied, “No I don’t”. He replied that the response I had given was indicative of the fact that I was ready because I would not rely on my own strength but Gods to lead me. The vote was unanimous and I became their pastor. I wish I could say that the years to follow were marked only by God’s strength and not my own but they were not. I have often had a problem of trying to take responsibility for things that were not my responsibility and neglecting the things that were. My time in the Pastorate was no different.
I would like to say that those things I am about to write are indicative of a life lived in the will of God but they are not. However, I will be identifying many things that Pastors (and fellow believers) can do to have a successful ministry and life. My perspective does not come from doing everything right but from doing so many things wrong and hurting myself and others as a result. This is a pointed dialogue of one who did many things the wrong way but found a forgiving God who is rich enough in mercy to take those very things and use them for our good (Romans 8:28).
In the course of these things I will also stress with great appreciation that "Abraham believed God and it was counted unto him as righteousness." Underlying everything I share will be the boundless grace of God who again reminds me that my standing with Him has never been of my own doing but the doing of my Savior Jesus Christ. Thanks be to God for his "unspeakable gift!"
Musings of a Prodigal Son
Part 1
I remember as a very young adolescent feelings the stirrings of God to do something significant with my life. Didn't know what, just knew that there was a purpose and I needed to find it. As young adolescence turned into full-blown hormone induced adolescence, these stirrings took a back seat to other things such as listening to love songs, falling in love, out of love, in love again, and doing the things that make adolescence a time of adventure and of danger. Having experienced the grace of God to get through these times, in my early 20's those same "stirrings", which had never ceased to exist, came back to the forefront of my life as they would again and again. As myself and a friend who had similar stirrings began to spend time together, we began asking honestly what God might have planned for our lives. We didn't know what to do (we were not actively attending any church or meeting with any group of believers at the time), we just knew that our lives needed direction and that God could provide it. I remember the conversation in which we talked about not being satisfied with our lives and each stating that we needed to do something about it.....so we decided to begin meeting every other night to read the Bible and pray. This friend's father had purchased, years prior, an old country store located next to my friends house. For privacy, (we were not comfortable yet to include our young wives) we began meeting and praying in that old store. Praying was raw then. What I mean is, there was no form but just two seekers talking with God. We were awkward with each other at first but we soon became accustomed to meeting together and praying. Soon afterward, we both felt that God was encouraging us to go to the local church and begin attending there in addition to our private prayer and reading times. So on a nondescript Wednesday night, he and I walked into the prayer meeting of the local congregation. When we arrived, it became apparent that we were the only "young" men there. I did notice an excitement on the faces of several of the adults we knew there from our childhoods (we had both attended this church during our childhoods at various times). We just came as seekers wanting to here from God and be a part of his planned purpose in our lives. If you had asked us to articulate this at the time, we probably both would have been hard pressed to do that.
A little note here: Obedience is not something that we can "ease" into. We are either obedient or we are not. There have been times in my life (as well as the lives of many that I know) that I have looked for and hoped to find the will of God as if it is some green easter egg hidden in a thousand acre field of grass when in reality God made it plain if I had but listened. Revelation of His Will is an outgrowth of obedience to what he has already told me to do, often in his Word or through another who is seeking him (counsel of the Godly=counsel of those who continue to seek God). Hence the truth: "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all the things shall be added unto you." When I have been "stuck" at places in my life, as I look back I see that it was simply a matter of disobedience and unbelief on my part. It is often that I saw the next step, didn't like it for various reasons, and chose to keep asking. (I now believe that this is what the old Saints used to call "putting feet on our prayers." Following God's instructions is often "messy". Worthy of note also is that there are some people who seek to be "obedient" just to make a mess. The chaos around them makes them feel better about themselves. In the lives of anyone who lives this way, the issue is not disobedience but fear that the calmness and peace of God's Spirit will prompt self-reflection which will remind that person that they are undone. It is often a matter of not believing that His grace is sufficient to forgive (therefore a reluctance to really self-examine). At it's rawest form it is unbelief. For those who fear "disorder" (messiness), God prompts us to just focus on our own obedience to him. If that occurs, the gentleness of the Holy Spirit of God will apply the grace of God so that healing takes place in the Body of Christ.
Back to my story, looking back to that time in my life when my friend and I began to meet and pray, it was one of the greatest expressions of faith in God that I have ever experienced to date in my own life due to two things: 1)A Desire to Know God (Jesus) 2)A Commitment to Do the Simple Things He Asks--(they really are simple--often radically DIFFERENT than our rationally, scientific method dominated, politically correct world dictates as NORMAL but simple none-the-less. Revelation truly came out of that for both of us---the likes of which I have experienced very few times in my life since---not because it is not available but rather I got away from the two things mentioned above.
Very quickly, the stirrings again became a "calling." I have often thought of that word and heard it used loosely many times. An example comes to mind: I remember when I would sleep at night in a in the first house we lived in when we moved to Reeltown. Many of you there may remember it (I know some of my friends who spent the night over do). It was the house that my mom and dad first bought for us to move to Reeltown in 1970. I remember it had three of those propane gas heaters that you light with a match and turn the lever on the side. I remember because I used to get up in the morning before school, run to one of those heaters, hang my pants upside down and let the heat run up in the legs before I put them on. My body would be covered in goose bumps by the time they heated up enough to put on. Again, back to my story. As I lay asleep in that house, I remember my mom "calling" me in the morning to get up to get ready for school. As I was asleep, it would seem like a dream as I began to hear her voice. If I didn't respond, she got louder and louder to get my attention. I remember one instance where I tarried and she poured a glass of water on my head. The point is that the task at hand (going to school) was so important that "calling" me until I heard became of utmost importance. This is often true of God. Especially when we are listening, we can hear when he "calls". Many people have asked me if I have ever heard the audible voice of God. I don't believe that I have but I have heard him "call" many times. As we continued to meet together, worshiping with others (at church), we gradually brought our young wives with us (they had always seemed willing but were just waiting on us to take the initiative). As I had as a young adolescent, I sensed that God wanted me to prepare for ministry. I had a former pastor who attended Baptist Bible Institute in Graceville. Since his graduation, the college had become Florida Baptist Theological College and was located in Graceville Florida (just across the Alabama line into Florida – approximately 20 miles from Dothan, Alabama.) I searched for my former pastor, Bro. Lee Swett, by asking various church members and acquaintances where he might be. I did not know at that time but he had recently become the Pastor of Pleasant Hill Baptist Church in Slocomb, Alabama (approximately 10 miles west of Dothan, Alabama). I called and asked if he could meet with us and pray. He quickly agreed and he and Mrs. Swett met my friend and I at a Holiday Inn in Troy Alabama to eat breakfast. We talked and prayed. A little background here: Bro. Lee Swett was the Pastor of Reeltown Baptist Church when I made a profession of faith at age 12 years prior. At that time, I became very active in ministry and had spent time with our youth group speaking, singing (Lord help everyone who heard me singJ), and ministering to both adults and youth groups at several churches. I “surrendered” in the ministry at age 13 and Reeltown Baptist Church (now 1st Baptist Reeltown) prepared to license me into the ministry. That is when the hormones (mentioned above) came into play and I asked that they “wait” because I was “unsure.” The church waited, Bro. Lee Swett moved on to become a Pastor in another distant town, and I began the process of “getting away from the church” during my teenage years.
After we met with Pastor Swett (Bro. Lee) at that hotel, I began to pray diligently with my friend and also with the church as well as at home with my wife. I was feeling the strong “calling” to go and train to be a pastor. So, with good intentions, I told my wife that we were moving to Graceville Florida to attend Florida Baptist Theological College because God wanted us to go. From hind sight even though my motives were good and my heart was set on seeking God, I should have considered more how she felt about such a sudden move. We had both attended college part-time and she had a good job (although low pay) at a local bank. She had developed friendships there since our marriage and her subsequent employment in 1988 (the year was now 1990). So, on a moderate winter day (January 1, 1991), we moved our little family to Graceville Florida to begin Bible College. Emily, my oldest who was born in 1988, was barely 3 years old at the time. My wife planned to stay at home and care for Emily while I attended school. Bro. Lee Swett had been praying with his new church and they decided to hire me as their Youth Pastor and I began the first Sunday after we moved to Florida. Previously, I had also obtained a job while in high school through my aunt that paid minimum wage income for doing very little work per month so I continued doing this when I first moved to Florida and my brother provided “call” for me if anything happened and something needed to be done when I was not in Alabama (I came back to Reeltown a couple of days a month to do this job and returned back to Florida). This went on for a few months. Rapidly, I got close to the Youth of Pleasant Hill Church in Slocomb Alabama and was really enjoying my time there as Youth Pastor. Next came a difficult time in my life but especially in the lives of my Pastor and his family. Bro. Lee became ill and subsequently had surgery to remove his larynx. The Church, all those there including me and my little family, prayed diligently for his return to continue the good work begun there but it was not to be. Due to his lengthy recuperation time after his surgery and subsequent treatments, he retired to recupperate. When he resigned, it was a difficult time for me due to the fact that I really wanted to spend more time learning from him. After all, I was really a young follower of Christ who just wanted to be close to God and accountable to someone who was doing things the right way. I believe, and continue to believe, that he was a great man of God and I could have learned so much under him and his ministry but it was not to be. He moved several hours away. I had preached and ministered at the church during Bro. Lee’s illness and upon his retirement and with his consultation and recommendation, they called me to be their Pastor. This was in August 1991. What is significant about this is that it had only been approximately one year since my friend and I had begun praying together about God’s direction in our lives. I remember talking to Bro. Lee about how inadequate I felt to be the Pastor of that church so quickly. This was the week prior to the church voting on whether to call me as their Pastor. I remember he asked me, “Do you think you are ready.” I replied, “No I don’t”. He replied that the response I had given was indicative of the fact that I was ready because I would not rely on my own strength but Gods to lead me. The vote was unanimous and I became their pastor. I wish I could say that the years to follow were marked only by God’s strength and not my own but they were not. I have often had a problem of trying to take responsibility for things that were not my responsibility and neglecting the things that were. My time in the Pastorate was no different.
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