1n 1997, A man in the church became ill who was close in age
to myself and who also had a child that was close to the age of my young
daughter. This man and I had become close friends over time as I had now been
at the church approximately 6 years. We often talked at church and also at
social gathering and I had garnered a great deal of respect for him. He had
become seriously ill in approximately 1993 but had surgery to remove a dangerous
tumor and was doing well subsequent to the surgery. The church had prayed for
his healing during this time and we had praised God that he was cancer free. He
did well for the next few years. An episode occurred in 1997, which warranted
further tests. I will never forget the day that his family (wife,
brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and other extended family) went to the doctor’s
office for a consultation on treatment options as it had been determined that
the tumor had returned. He had called me that morning and asked that I go with
the family to this consultation. I remember all of us sitting around a
conference table and the physician (a well-respected specialist) telling this
man and his family that he had very little time remaining. I remember the shock
on all the faces there as I am sure the same was on my face. Here was a man who
looked as “normal” as anyone you might meet on the street but the doctor has told him that he doesn't have very long to live. I will never forget the doctor saying, “If
there is anything you would like to do, do it within the next two weeks.” The
shock was apparent in the faces and reactions of all there. From hind sight, my
friend seemed to be the only one there with a level of peace. I remember him
asking me to ride alone with him home. He asked me to drive him to his place of
employment where he would tell them that he would not return to work. I
remember sitting in the car as the shock began to wear off with many thoughts
racing through my head. Would God really let him die? How could he die if he
looked so healthy? What would happen to his wife and son? Why would God let
someone who had a good heart and was willing to help so many people become sick
and die? Was this a test of his faith and ours to see if we would pray and
claim miraculous healing over him? After I took him home, I remember beginning
to focus on prayer for his healing. I knew that this was a time that God would
confirm my faith in him and we could praise him for the healing and all in the
church would see what a great God we serve. I remember as a church, we banded together
and agreed on his healing and asked God diligently for his healing. I remember
the times that I preached during this whole ordeal; I could feel the presence
of God with my friend and the entire church. I just knew that we were on the
precipice of a major faith breakthrough that would foster church growth and
healing by the miraculous power of God. All the church, town, and community
would see that we serve a powerful and a healing God that is rich in mercy. I
remember that approximately four weeks later, my friend took his son to the
first day of his kindergarten and when he got back home, he never left his
house again. The week prior to his death, I spent much time with him talking
and staying most days and nights at the family’s home. I know this may sound
unusual to many of you that may be reading this but this was something that I
always felt I should do if a family desired it when a family member was close
to death. I believed then and I still believe now that a pastor must love the
people he serves, laugh with them, cry with them, be joyful with them, and
mourn with them. My friend and I talked about God and his young family. All the
while, I was still in conflict continuing to “want” to believe that God would
pull him back from the edge of death. Gradually acceptance that he would go to
be with God begin to permeate my being. He died on my daughter’s birthday. A
man of God with a five year old son and young wife died on that day. I remember
preaching the funeral of this young man and once that was completed I remember
the emptiness that I felt inside. God had let me down. I know many of you may
want to jump in now and rescue me and God by saying something spiritual that
may even be true, but I felt as if God had let me down. I was standing on His
promises and He let me down.
Soon after, I had asked the church for a sabbatical. I
needed time away. I wanted to cease being a pastor. I was angry but afraid to
express it. In some ways at that time I felt like someone who represented a
company with inferior products and I was tired of promoting them because the
people would know that they were inferior. Upon my return, I continued to preach and
attempted to minister to people. There is nothing like preaching when you feel
empty inside. I remembered hearing well-meaning people say, “If you are empty,
God will fill you up.” I just didn’t find this to be true. I was like an empty
tube of toothpaste that you keep squeezing to get one more tooth brushing in. I
had nothing left. There was no fuel in my tank. There were times that I even
stated from the pulpit that I wanted to be anywhere but church. I didn’t want
to be there. All of this was no one’s fault but mine. You might ask me, would
you do all of this again? The answer is yes. I did what I believed I should do
and I believe it was the right thing. But…you may have noticed that I haven’t
mentioned my little family one time during this whole section. It’s because I
was so caught up in my own grief that I again did not make any time for them.
Many times when I look back on the ministry, I see myself running on the
playing field but not interacting much with my young wife and child on the sidelines.
I’m not talking about the normal interactions at social gatherings and general
conversation. I am talking about intimate conversation about the direction of
our family, listening to each member’s fears and concerns, while affirming each
family member. God might have provided a
source of healing within my own family but I was too busy to notice. A point
here that is very crucial even when you are doing good things: Time spent with God and time spent with your
individual family are the two most important things that can keep you from
burning out. Not just being in the same location but communicating and getting
to know those closest to you and continuing to get to know the God who truly
wants to know each of us in a deeper way. I will talk more about what I’ve
learned about how to spend more time with God and family later. My purpose in
writing these things is a hope that many of you will not have to lose what I
lost and make the mistakes I made in order to learn these truths. (to be
continued)
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