As I began to move back toward my primary purpose in life, my love for Michelle grew more and more each day. It was an adjustment as I became acclimated to a life of peace. When you live in chaos, it eventually becomes the "normal" for you. There is comfort in the normal. You know what to expect even if it is just the awareness to expect the unexpected. To live at peace after living in turmoil for an extended period of time takes some getting used to. Adjustments must be made.
It is ironic that Michelle and I are still getting used to living in peace. There is still sometimes the expectation of turmoil. This was due to our previous relationships being out of the will of God. He allowed us to make choices that brought with them consequences. The consequences kept our lives during that period in much turmoil. Now,with each passing day, as peace becomes the "normal", a collective sigh seems to emanate from our home. We've been together for almost 4 years now, which some of you would consider the "infancy" of a long-term relationship. Fostering a relationship that we both want to be in is our goal. I want to come home everyday to her, I want to spend vacations with her, I want to share happy moments and moments of difficulty with her. I know many people who stay in relationships long-term because they are just hanging on to make it last. Many couples are not happy but are just hanging on because they think there is some merit in just "staying together." This is no more God's will than divorcing is God's will. If people are going to stay together, they should be working on making their relationship better. The marriage relationship is supposed to be a union of two people that mirrors the relationship that Christ has with the Church. Some couples are only together because they are afraid of anything different. I've learned in my life that I do not want that type of relationship and I am convinced that God does not want that type of relationship for us. We are not the bride of Christ because we've been together so long that he doesn't want to risk being without us because he is afraid. He wants a bride who looks forward to spending time with him, wants to go places with Him, wants intimacy with Him. SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO BE WITH HIM.
It is amazing how God takes the mistakes that we choose to make and turns them to our good (he still gives us a choice). Michelle (my wife) is a blessing that I could not receive until I was ready to receive her. Had we met at a time many years ago, our differences would have posed difficulties that would have prevented us from being together. I do not mean to say that we do not have our difficulties, we do. What I am saying is that she is the grace blessing I was given after I rebelled against God (grace is unmerited and undeserved). Did I deserve her? No. But God is a God who chooses to operate in our lives with mercy and grace.
I still struggle from day to day on the plan and purpose of God in my life. I wish I could say that I do what God wants me to do each day. I do not. I wish I could say I approach each day as God wants me to. I do not. One thing I have learned from the mistakes of my past is that often when we really want to do "good" things, we have to be careful not to make them "the will of God." Often good things can "mask" themselves as God's direction for our lives because they are "good" in our eyes. Many times in my life I have spent time doing "good" things that were not the will of God. I would be amiss if I didn't mention here that I often have done "bad" things as well (some knowingly and some by omission). The point I am making here though is that often we see something "good" and assume it is from God only to find out that the good was not his will. He was looking at our "Best" while we were focused on the "good."
It is at this point that I would like to mention something that Michelle and I have discussed many times. My first marriage was a part of the true Will of God for my life. I was married to a good woman and we weathered many storms together. She stood by me in some dark times (when I was struggling with God's will for my life) and she was a great "Pastor's Wife". From hind sight, I thrust that life upon her without her input or consent. We were married in 1987, had our daughter Emily, two cats, and she had a job with friends. Over a short period of time, I told her that God had called me into the ministry and we were moving to Florida for me to attend Bible College. There was really no discussion about it, I just determined that it was God's Will and expected everyone around me to "fall in line." I know from hindsight that she resented me for that and she had a right to. We moved to Graceville, FL. on January 1, 1991. I began attending Bible College and as Youth Pastor of Pleasant Hill Baptist Church in January 1991. Circumstances, mentioned earlier in another blog, propelled me to be the pastor of that church within 6 months. That's a lot for anyone to deal with. My wife went from being uprooted from a stable job, support system, and friends to being a pastors wife in a town far enough away that she had to develop a whole new support system and adjust to the rigors of being a pastor's wife. All the while, I am so busy with "the will of God" that I forgot that my family was a real part of the true "Will of God". Let me say here that the people in that church, many of whom will be reading this blog, were the greatest of people. I could not have asked for a more understanding, loving, and sincere group of people to pastor. But like any group of people, life brought with it many struggles, including deaths, crisis, and important events that vied for my attention as Pastor. My greatest mission field should have been at home. It was not. While I was busy doing good things, God's Blessing of a wonderful family was slipping through my hands. With emotional distance developing at home, with fatigue setting in from what I call "spiritual burnout", I found myself empty inside. I started "pushing" instead of "leading" the church. I started resenting my wife whom I blamed at the time for her emotional distance. I became discontent and left "the ministry" and started working as a counselor for a local mental health system. I had obtained a Master's Degree during my time as a pastor in the counseling field and began working as a substance abuse counselor. It is at this point that I began spending less and less time in "Godly Counsel" and started getting advice from many sources. Much of this advice was not bad by the worlds standards but it was not Godly Counsel. I advanced very quickly in that mental health system and became a part of their leadership team. It was during this time that God provided me with "Grace" options by putting me under one of the wisest men I have ever worked for. He was the Executive Director of the Company for which I worked and he tried to give me Godly advice. I wish I had heeded his advice. I did not. I divorced my wife, who wanted to work on our marriage, and began a path that would lead in a direction that would generate much pain in my life and the lives of others. (to be continued)
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