As Father’s Day just passed, this dad did some reflecting on his life. I must admit that I have many failures in the most important task of being a father. Of note is the fact that I had a good dad, always present, always willing to lend an ear. This is a look at my life based on me and me only. I have no one to blame but myself. I would like to say that I didn’t know any better but I did. This is an honest look at my own life as a dad which encompasses several issues that bear sharing. First and foremost, let me say that we can often learn a lot from people when they discuss their failures. When we do honest introspection, it often yields truths that bear listening to. I once heard a preacher sharing that when men are in crisis and discussing their failures, we can learn a lot from them. He referred to Jim Baker, the famous PTL creator who became famous in the 1970s and who was a pioneer in Christian Television, who was in prison for embezzlement of funds and wrote the book “I Was Wrong”. There are many truths in that book. You can learn a lot from a man as he reflects on his failures. I would recommend it to any who have never read it. It is an honest look from the perspective of a man who had time to think about his sins and their consequences on him and others and most of all on the impact in his relationship with God.
Let me begin this reflection by saying that I have often not been there for my children. There are many reasons for this, foremost being my own selfishness. Many times, I have put my own selfish desires for “things” ahead of my concern for my children. I have often purchased things for myself when I should have invested in my children (going to see them, plane tickets, time off from work, etc.) It brings me great pain as I write these things. Often my life has been dominated by one Hobby or another. Hobbies are not bad in and of themselves. They are often distractions from the stress of daily life. However, sometimes they can take us away from more important things. Often my hobbies have taken me away from spending quality time with my children, praying for them, investing in them. I like to collect “things”. I have often joked that one day my children will sell many of these “things” at garage sales for $1. As I think about this, it reminds me that “things”, no matter how valuable they may seem to us in the moment, will never have any lasting value. They will pass away. Only the relationships and investments in others, particularly our children, will remain. My investments have often been in things which is another way that I have failed as a father. Another reason I have often not been there for my children is due to the physical absence that has been the result of decisions that I have made that put physical distance between myself and those who needed me the most. This brings up another important point and I don’t want anyone who may be reading this to misunderstand. Let me explain. Divorce is wrong. It is never the intention of God. I know that sometimes it is inevitable as one or the other person makes decisions that are contrary to God’s will for their lives. I am in no way advocating for anyone to stay in an abusive relationship, I am just stating that there is a reason that God calls divorce a sin. Divorce dissolves the most important unit in our quest to serve God. It disintegrates the core of our foundation to be what we need to be in our most basic and important roles in this life. If creates barriers and often distance from the very ones who need us the most, our children. If they don’t have us present, they in turn are affected in their growth and the effect over time is destructively immeasurable. Practically let me give an example. I grew up in a home where both my father and mother were present. I consider myself greatly blessed. They were unified in their approach to parenting and in their love for each other. When a crisis occurred (i.e. death in the family, conflict with a classmate, minor crisis at school) they were both there to offer their input and support. This is not so in the life of a child that does not have one or the other parent present. Something is missing. Everything that parent could offer in the moment is missing. Often one (or both) of the parents is spending their energy in other relationships separated by time and space. This has often been the case in my life. I find myself often not really knowing what is going on in the life of my children. I still could know more than I often do (i.e. Selfishness) but because of divorce, even if I always had the best of intentions, I would be limited. My sin created this limitation.
My wife and I love each other very much. We often discuss how divorce has affected our lives. We are content that God through his grace put us together. However, this was only after we both made mistakes that resulted in some of the circumstances listed above. Now we are limited in our options due to our sin. For instance, there is no way for both of us to be completely present for our children and grandchildren. Her child and grandchild lives in Miami. My children and grandchildren live in Miami, Atlanta, and Alabama. How can we be there for all of them even if we had the best of intentions? If divorce had not occurred in our lives and our family unit had remained strong, we could be in one place unified for our children and grandchildren. I know many of you are thinking that children move away, etc. True. However, we could have been there for their formative years when they needed (need) us the most. This is just one example. What I am trying to illustrate is that the effect of Sin, in this case divorce, is far reaching. As I see pictures of my grandchildren in Alabama, I am often reminded that I could positively impact their lives if I was present with them more than I am. My wife thinks the same thing when she sees pictures of her grandsons in Miami and Texas. Do you see the dilemma? There is no way to be unified on this front. We have created two distinct units that need us. Her children and grandchildren need her. My children and grandchildren need me. However, my wife and I need each other. Therefore, someone will invariably suffer. I believe that divorce is one of the enemy’s (Satan) greatest weapons. It is the destruction of the cell before it has a chance to divide and further nurture life.
I must admit that I am a little envious when I see pictures on Facebook of families that have remained together and their children and grandchildren seem to be all in one place (or in close proximity). It reminds me of the consequences of my own sin.
Sin has a cascade effect. Often one sin, in this case divorce, leads to another to another. All the while, the effect on the individual and others is immense.
At my dad’s funeral, I made the statement that if I could be half the man that he was, I could consider myself to have been a good man. As I reflect on my life, I am losing this battle, particularly as it relates to fatherhood.
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